We can all agree that finding a lover is such a hard ‘job’. It is not something like working for someone, it is not that the harder you work on it the fatter money they pay you.
I have experienced many relationship struggles. Men broke my heart a few times. 12 years ago, I was a young student just came out of university, I remember when my first boyfriend made me sleep in living room, he slept in bedroom, the distance between him and me frozen me day by day, one day I decided to give him all the renting he paid, and asked him to leave me for good. I cried for two weeks, then I moved on gradually.
Seeking love is such a journey for me! Behaving like a vacuous doormat with fear didn’t succeed, behaving like a seductive bitch with fear didn’t succeed, then the ONLY option left is to behaving like a-doormat-a-bitch-with-love simultaneously!
What if behaving like a-doormat-a-bitch-with-love also doesn’t work? Then the only statement I can came out is that seeking love is FALSE! It is so disheartening to hear this statement. I understand your pain when you hear this. Hug you~
But can women stop wanting relationship? We are living in a future driven society, we want a man to love us, fondle us, support us, encourage us, care us, and play with us. This wanting will not stop, we want to marry such man, building a family with him, give birth kids with him, enjoy life with him, and do the same for him to appreciate and honor what he has done for us.
If we cannot succeed in seeking love with both fear mentality and love mentality, and we cannot stop wanting relationship and love with man.Then the next reasonable way is to put love in your own heart, and invite man to join this relationship and love journey with you.
What if another voice in your mind whispers: women should not take initiative, women who sleep with men too fast are cheap. Well, acknowledge and hear this voice, this voicer wants connection but is scared of hurt and loss. But in earlier paragraphs we have covered that fearful seeking mentality did not work, so let’s go back to the next reasonable way “put love in your own heart, and invite man to join this relationship and love journey with you”.
This means that you are going to fully participating life with the man you are seeing, and having a relationship vision in your own heart, you are going to commit to your relationship vision 100% to yourself 100%, and you are going to be sensitive, so you can discern and incorporate the right man to join and contribute to your relationship vision, so that you can bring your relationship vision into reality while having a mentality of self-responsibility simultaneously.
And this is an ongoing process with a vision in mind. It is like running a thousand miles, you are going to putting one step on front of the other step, and enjoying the running journey itself.
If you feel resistance along the way, take a break, fully participating life with man again, but get rid of the mentality of blaming men for that you have not gotten your idea relationship yet. Because you have participated each step with man whether they loved you or hurt you, so own all your experience and participation.
We can only make one decision each time, and we can only make the best decision at certain moment in life, the decision might not be the best one in hindsight, but trials and errors give us data and insights of what kind of men that we prefer. So let go of the fear of participating life with men, plus it is not a bad idea to experience different men as a woman.
The good thing about fully participating life with man is that you live each moment with man, so you will have no regret when you die.
So get attached to man as much as you could, and let go in the same time. Stop measuring relationship!
Just like Noise is a state of affair between air and eardrum, Erotic Love is a state of affair between a man and a woman! For anything that is desirable, what's interesting is that you can see it and you cannot see it! Holding it too tight destroys the affair!
We have night and day, yin and yang, 1 and 0, bees and flowers, man and woman, head and feet, front and back... We must not try too hard in order to get together, because doing that messes things up! Imagine that the man you are desiring can be 100% controlled by you, he quickly loses his freshness to you, you don't want him anymore! So keep proper space is the myth, is the legend myth of universe!
Ancient Easten philosopher Laozi Said: Space determines relationship!
Space is measurement of distance, Space itself is not there, is absence, is not a thing! And space is you, compared to the solid and masculinity, space is femininity, space is actually your own Consciousness! Consciousness is where all ideas and concepts and visions come out.
Without vision, discernment would not matter! So vision and discernment are a married couple! A thing is a think! Smart woman makes her mind small, so she can perceive more things, thus can discern and qualify right man for her quickly and effortless!
Don't be fooled by time! Don't say you have no time, because time is a measure of change, can you make change? If Yes, then time doesn't control you, then you have all the time to invite a man to join and create the kind of relationship you want.
So ladies, my MESSAGE to you is:
"The fastest way to get right boyfriend is to Stop measuring relationship!"
and here are the recap of key points to support this message:
1) You are not going to be in a seeking mentality and fear mentality,
2) Instead, you are going to fully participating life with man, and let go in the same time.
3) You get to get crystal clear of your relationship vision,
4) You need to be honest to yourself, and commit to your own relationship vision 100%.
5) You are going to be 100% self-responsible, let go of blaming others, so that you won’t victimize yourself, and have the energy to actually create the kind of life you want.
6) You can trust your own decision, you can make decision, and only need to and can only make one decision each time, decide without wobbling is confidence, even if you wobble a bit, it is okay.
7) Relationship Vision and Discernment of man go hand in hand. This discerning ability become better and better when you don’t get in your own way.
8) You have all the time to create the relationship with man.
9) Giving space to man, and don’t resist to man who you want. Resistance is not space. Space is freedom, is also the euphoric closeness with the man you want.
I believe, by internalizing these points, practice them in your day to day life, you will become such an attractive radiating beautiful woman, your right man will come to you in light speed, plus you lose nothing along the way, live life full and will gain great life experience!
Joy Yang is a Dating and Relationship Coach.
She teaches International Singles and Couples Self-love and Authentic-communication, so that they can attract and keep quality partners, and become their best version.