It is morning here, I prepared a plate of cucumber and tomato as breakfast, having them on my tongue makes me feel contented and fresh. Sinking myself into the feeling of the taste and the texture of them, cucumber tastes a bit sweet, tomato tastes a bit bitter, this is also the exactly emotions I have being feeling lately: feeling a bit sweet and am feeling a bit sad.
Now I am sitting at my work desk, start typing my thoughts and feeling.
Recalling his kiss and his touch, having Alan Watts’s lecture about “She is black” on, this lecture has a background music that is remixed with a wonderful cosmos atmosphere. Closing my eyes, I am feeling myself lying and floating in dark space, there is nothing to clingy to in the space, that makes me feel a bit lonely, however, there are beautiful planets around me, some are shining, some are concrete, some feels cold, some feels steaming hot. I wonder how it would feel to jump into the Sun to feel its marvelous burning invitation!
Buddha said: All one’s disappointments are the result of frustrated desires, specifically, frustrated craving of what we want yet we cannot get.
So what to do when I crave a man? I have this need of wanting to be loved and supported. That’s normal, all human want love and want to be supported, we cannot not need what we need, we cannot not want what we want.
But if I only live in this sense of self, I am damned and frustrated.
On the other side, I have to get my mind out of normal track.
Who am I? Everything I am experiencing / experienced/ will experience on front of me are me, they are the neurotic experience in my brain.
Without my neurotic brain, I would not have met him, I could not conceptualize him nor feeling him; Without him, I would not have my neurotic experience of him in my mind, so my brain, my mind and him cannot be separated, are one thing, one being.
This is SUCH AN INSIGHT. It liberates me TOTALLY. If he and I are one being, then trust is certain. Just like I trust my own heart beating, my own breath functioning, and my own nerve system waking me up daily.
Missing him indicates that I feel sense of separation between him and me, yet that’s a false insight, as I figured out that my neurotic brain my mind and him are one being.And let me make this insight further, my neurotic brain, my mind and everything I experienced are one being. I cannot help loving them because they are me.
This is how I cope myself when I miss my beloved one. And then throw myself into life, feel contented and relaxed. :)
Morning everybody, I appreciate you, and I appreciate myself!